Want to Be a Better Parent? Dr. Becky Says Start Here

Mom of three and clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy has built a name for herself focusing on the good inside everyone. Now with over two million Instagram followers, a New York Times best-seller, and must-listen podcast, Kennedy shares her sought-after approach for Mini parents.

Keep scrolling for parenting advice you’ll want to use from Dr. Becky.

Dr. Becky On Setting Clear Boundaries

I think it’s widely misunderstood that someone who cares so much about validating feelings could also care as much about holding boundaries. The beauty of Good Inside is it’s the only approach that has equal focus on both.

The key thing to know about boundaries is [that they] are something you tell someone you will do and they require the other person to do nothing. This is so important because most of the time we think we’re setting a boundary with our kid, [but] we’re not. We’re actually making a request, and then we make the request over and over, and we feel like our kid isn’t respecting our boundaries, but we’re actually not setting a boundary.

Here’s an example. My kid is jumping up and down on a couch and it’s actually dangerous because there’s a glass table nearby. ‘Get off the couch. I said, get off the couch. Get off the couch.’ I go back to my definition of a boundary. A boundary is something I tell my kid I will do and it would require my kid to do nothing. Huh? That’s not a boundary at all. I’m asking my kid to do something, to get off the couch. Once I see my kid can’t comply with my request—if safety is really an issue—I can’t keep making a request. No wonder I get frustrated.

Instead, I’d say this, which is a true boundary. ‘Hey, listen, it looks like it’s hard for you to listen and get off the couch. I get it. Jumping is fun. I’m going to walk over there and if by the time I get there, if you haven’t gotten off the couch, I will place my arms around you and just pick you up and put you on the floor and show you somewhere else you could jump’. This is a boundary because it’s telling my kid what I will do and it requires my kid to do nothing.

Dr. Becky On Managing Big Feelings

When a kid is in a stage where they’re having a lot of difficult behavior, we actually have to change our mindset from what do I do when my kid has bad behavior to, how can I contain the situation when my kid has bad behavior? But what do I do outside of those moments so I can actually help my kid build the skills they were missing in the first place? That’s a really important mindset shift.

It would be like if you’re a basketball coach and you were saying, ‘How do I make sure my players make the final shot of the game?’ I think we’d say to a coach, do your best you can in that moment, but the better question is, what do you practice outside of the game so they are better equipped in that moment and can rely on the skills they’ve built?

That’s a really big shift in the moment of a difficult or out-of-control behavior.

The two main things to focus on are to keep your kid safe and try to keep yourself calm. This means stop dangerous behavior. It might be, ‘I won’t let you hit, I’m not going to let you throw blocks,’ and then try to keep yourself as calm as possible.

When you’re doing this, you’re setting up a boundary to stop any danger. That’s one part of our job is always to stop danger and keep our kids safe. By staying calm, you’re actually setting the stage for your kid to be calm because the way kids learn to regulate—which really means manage emotions—comes from the way we model how to manage our emotions in their difficult times.

A child absorbs our calm, they absorb the way we regulate our body, and that’s the foundation for how they become able to regulate their emotions in their body.

Dr. Becky On How to Repair

I always say to parents, ‘If you’re going to get good at one thing, get good at repair.’

If you think about what that means, it’s so hopeful and so humane because getting good at repair means you have to have a rupture. You can only repair if you mess up. So if you have to get good at repair, you have to mess up in order to practice.

Repair is really the act of going back to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging the impact it’s had on another. With repair, you have this amazing opportunity to go back to a moment that didn’t feel good and write a different ending to the story.

Here’s an example. For a parent of a young kid, you might go back to a kid and say, ‘Hey, you know what? Yesterday, I yelled at you in the kitchen and I was frustrated. And even when I’m frustrated, it’s not okay to yell at you. I’m sure that felt scary. I love you.’ That’s a repair.

Here’s another example. ‘Yesterday, when you were playing with your sister, I accused you of stealing toys from her and I sent you to your room. You know what? I never really gave you an opportunity to explain your side of the story. I’m sure there was something that didn’t feel good and I’m sorry. I’d love to hear that.’

Now all kids, at all ages, understand repair in that they understand our attempt to reconnect. Repair is so important because it takes a moment of disconnection and instead of leaving our kid alone, it actually allows us to reconnect, to provide safety, love, coherence, and understanding. That’s what our kids really need, way more than perfect parenting.

Dr. Becky On Effective Communication

The best strategies for effective communication with kids are actually the same with adults.”

The strategies I teach at Good Inside will help your toddler, your tween, your teen, your partner, your relationships at work. When you’re communicating with your kid, the number one thing to keep in mind is that you’re on the same team.

When we’re frustrated with anyone, when there’s conflict, maybe our kid isn’t listening to put their shoes on in the morning. It’s easy to approach them like they’re the enemy. It’s almost like you’re sitting on one side of the table and your kid is on the other and you’re looking at them like they are the problem.

The key to effective communication is reframing this and saying, ‘Wait, it’s not me against my kid. It’s me and my kid together on the same side of the table looking together at a problem. My kid is not the problem. We are on the same team against a problem.’

Here’s the difference. Looking at a kid as the problem, you’d say, ‘Hey, you never get ready in the morning. I ask you a million times to put on your shoes and you never listen. It’s so rude. And if you keep being so disrespectful, you’re going to lose iPad time.’

Me and my kid against a problem, realizing we’re on the same team, would sound like this, ‘Hey, mornings have been tricky, and I know I end up asking you to put on your shoes a bunch of times. I get frustrated, I yell. It’s not pleasant for any of us. What are some things we could do together to make mornings easier? I know we both want them to be more peaceful. Let’s think of something that can make it more fun or easier to remember what to do. Let’s sit down and come up with things together.’

When you treat kids with respect and treat them like they’re on the same team, you’re essentially saying to them, ‘I am looking to you to collaborate.’ And when people approach any of us at any age, like we are worthy of collaboration, we generally respond in a collaborative way.

On Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

Parenting is the hardest, most ongoing, most important job in the world. And it’s the only job we’re given no training or resources for.”

If I think about advice I’d give someone to be a surgeon, I’d probably say, know that the journey is hard, and invest in training, resources, and ongoing support. That’s the same advice I’d give to parents.

Somehow, we’re given the idea that we shoduld know how to do this, that it’s shameful to seek out advice, or to invest in advice. We are not born knowing how to be the parents we want to be, in fact, most of us naturally default to the way we were raised. The only education we’ve had in how to be a parent is how we were parented.

If we want to parent differently, we have to learn first, so we can then deliver that new system to our kids. So, to me, the best sign of being a good parent isn’t your behavior. It’s definitely not the behavior of your kids. To me, being a good parent is about being dedicated to reflecting and learning and growing.

We are not born knowing how to be the parents we want to be.

The Reminder

Dr. Becky reminds us that there’s no such thing as perfect parenting— only intentional, reflective, and connected parenting. Whether it’s setting firm but loving boundaries, learning to regulate our own emotions, or circling back to repair after a tough moment, her approach offers both relief and guidance for the modern parent.

At the heart of it all? The belief that we’re all good inside— our kids, and us too.

So take a deep breath, give yourself grace, and remember: you don’t have to get it right every time. You just have to keep showing up, learning, and growing.