The Power Pause: Neha Ruch is Rebranding the Stay-at-Home Mom

The founder of Mother Untitled, Neha Ruch is on a mission to rebrand the Career Pause, the ever-growing reality of ambitious women downshifting work while focusing on family life for a season.

We met the mom of two in her stunning NYC home to chat what it means to be a modern stay-at-home mom and answer the question ‘What do you do?,’ how she navigated her own career pause, and her new book, The Power Pause: How to Plan a Career Break After Kids–and Come Back Stronger Than Ever.

Thank you for inviting us into your home— Tell us about the place!

“When I first designed this home, the process was a labor of love that I took on as a creative outlet while I was still in the early years of having little ones. I pored over every light fixture and fabric swatch, and for that reason, every little nook takes me back to where we were when we found it. I would say the space is fun, meaningful, and open.”

Do you have a favorite room in your home where you spend the most time?

“We have a big cream sectional in the living room and it’s an I-told-you-so moment because everyone shook their heads when I picked white, but you’ve got to know your family and what works (and doesn’t) for you. My kids love working at tables, so they reserve the mess for elsewhere. Our white couch feels like an adult luxury now, even when we’re all curled up watching Is It Cake?, or the kids jump on it.”

We are so inspired by Mother Untitled— big fans over here! Can you walk us through your journey of starting this movement for ambitious women leaning into family life?

“That means so much. Women like you and your readers help this movement by reshaping the collective image of ambitious women recalibrating work for a season and thinking out loud about the shifts. Like many of us elder millennials, I derived a lot of identity and pride from my career in advertising and brand marketing in my 20s. I attended business school at Stanford, and when I graduated, landed what, on paper, seemed like my dream job. Still, when I had my first son, I found something I’d been looking for a long time— a different purpose and an opportunity to reset.  When I shared with family and friends I was choosing to downshift and eventually pause my work to be a ‘stay-at-home mom’ for a chapter, I was blown away by the stigma that surrounded this decision. I heard everything from ‘What will you do all day?’ to ‘Did you waste your business school degree?’ At the time, the Lean In Movement and Girl Boss Era were loud, and so I wanted to create a platform that shifted the narrative for women who were choosing to pause for a period so that they would be able to feel the confidence they deserved.”

TELL US HOW YOU’RE REBRANDING THE CAREER PAUSE.

“For too long, if we took our foot off the gas, we were counted out, but the reality is that a career pause is not a life pause. We are still growing in a chapter focused on family life, often in incredible new ways that were unimaginable to us before. The minute-to-minute caregiving demands personal growth and leadership skills of a different kind. Other stages allow you new opportunities to network—whether it’s in the drop-off line or the PTA—learn what you care about in various forums from volunteering to social media, and explore new hobbies and interests. The reality of a career pause for modern women is that our previous work experience doesn’t evaporate. We add new experiences and sharpen our perspective, and we can emerge from it more robust and with a more expansive identity.”

What do you want moms to know who might be considering a Career Pause?

“First, if you need or want to pause or downshift your career for a chapter, congratulations on listening to yourself, tuning into what feels right for right now, and making that bold choice. Anything is a transition, so there will be one, and there will be dull moments, just like at work, but you can walk through this as a train stop to consider how you want to grow and how to enjoy this time. I always want you to know your work is of immense value to your household, so don’t fall into the trap of believing you don’t deserve support or that you are entirely dependent on your partner; they depend on you, too. You are allowed to enjoy this stage of life and set it up so you can thrive alongside your kids, and remember, this is one part of a long career journey, and there are tools and resources available to support you when and if you’re ready to return to paid work.”

For stay-at-home parents, that difficult question of ‘What do you do?’ often comes up. How would you advise moms to answer that question, those who’ve paused their careers and transitioned to stay-at-home life?

“It is the universal stumbling block that has come up in countless interviews with women in our community. In our culture, ‘What do you do?’ has come to stand in for ‘Who are you?’ which is unfortunate, but I don’t think we will shift suddenly. I dive into this more in [The Power Pause book], but you can find a script for answering ‘What do you do?’ in the Mother Untitled library. The big trick is to say, ‘Right now, I’m focusing on…’ because it grounds the conversation on what you’re working on for this chapter and leaves the door open. While scripts can feel contrived, language matters, and having words that help you feel confident in what you’re doing lets you walk through the world and have the conversations that will help this time away from the workforce feel expansive.”

Can you give us the rundown on the Stay-at-Home vs. Working Mother “Wars” and how they’re holding women back?

“My understanding is the ‘wars,’ as they were dubbed, can be traced back to media and advertising in the 1970s, 80s, and early 90s. In the second wave of feminism, there were tremendous efforts to show women’s capacity in the workforce. Still, fighting for that vital opportunity, culture cemented an archetype of the ‘stay-at-home mother’ as the opposite— upending tradition. The media caught onto that, so the headlines started spiraling, and we started to see that power chasm grow. Furthermore, we saw women at home defend their choice by saying it was better for their kids, and we saw women in the workforce say they were modeling ambition for their kids, and when we make it about the kids, it becomes intensely defensive. Mother Untitled’s first-ever study of American women on career pauses that we commissioned in 2023 [found] that 1 in 2 women working out of the home want to downshift in the next two years, 1 in 3 women working out of the home are planning to pause in the next two years, and according to a Harvard Business Review, 90% of women want to return to the paid workforce eventually. So we are more alike than we are different, and I think the fractures prevent us from coming together to support each other in the myriad of ways mothers need support in the workplace and at home.”

Let’s talk about your personal career pause. You paused your career and salary for 5 years. What led up to that decision for you and what were your biggest takeaways from that experience?

“Until I had my son, I sought a lot of approval and self-worth from what I did.  When I had my son, I finally felt like the best thing I could be was myself. I didn’t pause my career because I thought it was the right decision for him as a child; I did it because it was the right decision for me as a human. I wanted the headspace to enjoy those early parenting years, work on my new marriage and its adjustment to family life, and grow as a person. And I did. If I were to look back, my superpower was self-trust and intuition that this pause would lead me to where I was meant to be next. Still, my time outside the traditional workforce meant figuring out who I was without a title and a salary— and I think that might be my superpower now.”

How has the transition been to return to working after that pause?

“I knew when I was ready to dial back up more work out of the home. My kids had aged into a more extended school day and enjoying more after-school activities and culture was ready for this work. Yet, it was still an adjustment. I had to reconcile that I couldn’t be the parent at pick-up anymore, which means I don’t have the same involvement with the parent community I miss. I draw on a lot of the lessons I learned from my time away from the workforce, though mostly, that this is what works for our family right now, and I will get to recalibrate over and over again.”

You’ve also mentioned this gray area that exists in between the notions of stay-at-home and working. Can you explain this and how it’s changing the narrative?

“I think the gray area is such a hugely unifying opportunity for women. The black-and-white notions of ‘stay-at-home’ and ‘working’ mother no longer apply with so many women pausing, downshifting, and existing in the vast in-between of entrepreneurship, freelance, consulting, and part-time work.  Suppose we can reexamine these black-and-white notions and think about how we shift our priorities and ambitions at any time. In that case, we can change to a model where we open up more choices and come together around the universal fact that there’s no one right way besides the right way that works for you and your family.”

You’re releasing a book soon, The Power Pause! Can you tell us about the book and what we can expect to find inside?

“It is available for pre-order [now] and coming out in the new year on January 14th—9 years after I became a mother and 8 years after I started this work—a reminder that none of this work is overnight. The book combines personal narrative and insight with interviews with real moms and expert guidance. It is a first-of-its-kind guide for women to walk through a career pause. It follows the arc of preparing for the identity and financial shifts, enjoying the time at home by making it also about you, and finally using the time to network, explore, and return to work should you wish with confidence.”

You’ve said that it can feel really difficult to push this work forward—your mission to rewrite what it means to be a stay-at-home parent. Tell us why that is; What do you think needs to change?

“When I first started, this mission was almost considered ‘controversial’ or ‘anti-feminist’ in an era when we were rightfully trying to uplift women in the workforce. Anything related to stay-at-home motherhood seemed like I was defending tradition, and it felt like an uphill battle trying to convince people that if we can infuse dignity and respect into career pauses for caregiving, we can help women make supported choices. Ultimately, they will have fewer penalties for returning to the workforce. But things have changed immensely over the 8 years I’ve been doing this. I’m actually really hopeful about this moment we’re in, where, post-pandemic, in the midst of a flurry of layoffs and a childcare crisis, men and women are looking around, realizing that something’s not working, and we’re open to new ways to think about work and family. The moment is ripe for change.”

How amazing to have your own children watch you lead this movement for moms. If you could give your kids one piece of advice, what would it be?

“To be kind, always. No matter what you do for work, paid or unpaid, if you’re a good person, you’ll sleep well at night.  And after that, don’t let anyone tell you what you care about isn’t necessary. It’s often the problems that are overlooked, that you uniquely notice, where your voice matters.”

This article was excerpted from the Spring 2024 Issue of Mini Magazine. Photography by Charlie Juliet Photography for Mini Magazine.